


Words as foreign as my name

by CheckYourLie (svnwritten)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Haechan is struggling, M/M, Minor Character Death Mention, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Taeil is struggling, they end up helping each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23162623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svnwritten/pseuds/CheckYourLie
Summary: After the world ends, Taeil tries to figure out what he needs in life.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Comments: 14
Kudos: 81





	Words as foreign as my name

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: post-apocalyptic setting, mentions of flames, minor character death, PTSD
> 
> That me again, feeding hyuckil tag with breadcrumbes. Hope that it's edible ^^
> 
> PS Happy birthday, Emmi!

Taeil brushed away a loose strand of hair that fell on his forehead. He took a deep breath in and looked down, taking in the view in front of him. The sea was shimmering with a deep shade of blue under the grey sky. Beautiful, very beautiful. Taeil’s heart clenched in his chest as the shreds of his memories resurfaced, awakened with the sight. He was lucky enough to remember the sea before the eruption of Pacific Supervolcano. He vaguely remembered the blue sky and navy water. 

Now, Taeil could barely recall the last time he saw a clear blue sky.

He sighed and crouched, looking at the thick layer of ashes and garbage covering the beach. When Taeil was in pre-school, his teacher once took the students to clean the beach. That was the only time he saw the sand. It was wet, grey and it slipped through his fingers like acidic rain. The teacher told them back then that in the past the sand used to be white glimmering with the soft shades of yellow. Little Taeil couldn’t wrap his head around that idea. Adult Taeil barely remembered seeing sand on the beach at all. 

Sighing with resignation, Taeil stood up and adjusted the straps of his backpack. If his calculations were correct, they usually were, the night would fall in less than three hours, which meant he should start looking for a shelter for the night. 

Something safe, sound and hopefully with a lock. 

That’s all Taeil really asked for from life.

* * *

After the eruption of Pacific Supervulcano - known as the end of the world - and what followed, people divided into two groups. The first group - The Privileged and Delusional tried to pretend that everything was normal. That all governments around the world didn’t collapse. That the ecological crisis didn’t wipe out more than seventy percent of the population. The first group tried living the best of their life in a tiny bubble. They usually habited cities and were one of the most dangerous people known to humanity.

The second group could be called Cautious and With Nothing To Lose. They left the cities behind. Declared governments’ failure before anyone gave them a right to do that. They stopped being people with IDs, they stopped having names, the registers stopped including them. These people were nobodies. They couldn’t make a change. Nobody cared about them. 

Taeil accepted being Taeil. Currently, he was most likely the only person in the world who remembered that he was alive. He didn’t mind not existing. But he was alive. He didn’t mind a lack of interest in him whatsoever. However, he refused to accept being inhuman. 

So he did all these tiny things that kept him sane and attached to the world. Small strings that kept him grounded. Ribbons that tied him with the earth.

Oddities that became a norm to him.

For example, Taeil religiously kept track of the date. Schedules used to be a big part of his life before the collapse and something as silly as the end of the world didn’t stop him from giving up on being organized. He didn’t own much, just the necessities, but the notebook was one of them. Every morning Taeil woke up and wrote down the date. Sometimes he would write more. Sometimes in the evenings, he would write snippets of his thoughts. Sometimes he left the day without comment. It didn’t really matter.

Sometimes he simply had nothing to say. The world taught him that words hardly ever could change reality. 

* * *

Taeil heard the rustle of leaves before the saw the navy jacket and a mop of golden-brown hair. Over the years, Taeil learned how to tell the difference in various types of rustles, snores, and burbles. He could easily tell which noise was made by a human.

Quickly, he tried to locate his own position on the map of the continent. He was pretty sure that he was still somewhere in Korea which meant that whoever was nearby would be able to speak Korean. That was somewhat comforting. 

The thing was that Taeil… well, it’s been a while since the last time he had a decent conversation with another human being. A couple of months perhaps. Probably longer. Yes, sometimes he talked to himself but even that was rare. He lost words among other things that were dear to him. They were flushed down his throat with the end of the world and he never fought to get them back on his tongue. 

Taking careful steps forward, Taeil peeked through the bushes. The navy jacket was standing out in the forest like a sore thumb. He stopped and hid behind the trunk. The man wouldn’t be able to see Taeil unless he turned around and squinted really hard. Which was unlikely considering the vigor he used to look through the contents of his bag. Taking into account his sloppiness, Taeil supposed that he either left the city not too long ago, or he used to wander around with a group. 

The stranger sighed loudly and sat down, running a hand through sweaty hair. Taeil backed further into the bushes behind him. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted the man to see him.

He watched The Navy Jacket pull out a bottle with water, tilt his head back and take a big gulp. Now, Taeil could take a batter look at him. The first thing he noticed was that he was most likely younger than Taeil. That much was clear even from the distance. His skin was a little bit more tan and it appeared to be a natural skin tone, not the brownish shade that Taeil’s face had taken since he became the wanderer. The most outstanding thing about the stranger, however, was his hair color. Caramel and freckled with golden locks that were perfectly matching his skin tone.

“Dyed,” Taeil mouthed unwillingly in awe. He didn’t remember the last time he saw someone dying their hair. Not in this economy. There were better things to spend money on. That was if you had money. Taeil didn’t have any. He stopped using them years ago.

The stranger threw his head to the back and poured the remaining water on his face, catching the wanderer off guard. A strangled gasp ripped out of Taeil’s throat. It was quiet but not quiet enough for the eerie silence of the forest around them. Years ago, the noise could be easily taken for a bird or an animal, but there were hardly any animals left in the forests. Not so close to the shore. 

Taeil gulped, freezing completely, as the stranger nervously looked around. He must have heard the noise. The traitorous exhale, the betraying weakness of Taeil’s body.

“Hello?” the stranger asked, restlessly scanning the surroundings. His hand protectively wrapped around his bag. Taeil patiently counted to ten. With each passing second, the stranger looked more and more crept out. 

_ “God, be damned for choosing me to survive and experience this.” _ thought Taeil bitterly before straightening his back and rising from his feet. 

Their eyes met and the stranger scrambled to his feet, pure terror painting his features.

Taeil sighed internally. Words. He should use words to calm that guy down.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Taeil tried smiling apologetically. His voice scratched the back of his throat. Perhaps it had been longer than he thought since the last time he used vocal cords. “I’m Taeil and I mean no harm,” he added, remembering that in the past sharing oneself name was an act of courtesy. 

The boy narrowed his eyes for a moment, probably trying to figure out if he could trust the other. Taeil wasn’t really offended by that. He would have reacted the same way. 

“Hae- no. Donghyuck. My name’s Donghyuck.” Donghyuck shrugged finally and Taeil felt himself relaxing. He took a step closer, watching if the other moved away. He didn’t. It was a good sign. Not that Taeil particularly cared. 

“Nice to meet you, Donghyuck,” he said tentatively, tasting a new name on his tongue. It sounded almost as strange as Taeil’s own name. 

“Hey, um,  _ Taeil _ ,” it was so weird to hear this name being spoken out loud and actually  _ meaning _ something. “Do you want some water or something? You sound like you’re choking on your own spit?” 

The question threw Taeil off and he barked out a peal of loud laughter that left his throat almost bleeding. Until that moment, he wasn’t sure if he could still laugh at all. Blush peppered his cheeks with red splotches. 

“It’s been a while since the last time I talked to someone.” Taeil cleared his throat awkwardly. His ears were positively  _ burning _ . 

Donghyuck smiled shyly at him, the question already prominent in his eyes. 

“Well, do you want to change that?”

* * *

Taking steps forward was easier with Donghyuck by Taeil’s side. It was quite a surprising discovery to Taeil who hadn’t thought that he’d ever find peace in the company of another human being. He’d never been a social type after all. Not even before the day the world ended. 

Donghyuck was a chatter-box. His voice, colored with honey and a pinch of something bitter, filled the minutes that Taeil would have spent in silence. Donghyuck was loud in the way someone could be loud when they saw the world fall apart in front of them. He was pleasant noise in re-assuring, breathing, living way. Perhaps a noise was what Taeil needed from the beginning. 

* * *

Taeil was roaming on the first floor when he heard a loud yelp coming from upstairs. His heart stuttered for the first time in months, maybe years, and he was on the staircase in an instant. Something inside him tugged on his vocal cords to yell, to scream, to cry if Donghyuck was okay. But it was too fast for Taeil who still wasn’t used to speaking with that volume.

“Donghyuck.” he breathed out, hastily opening the first door on the second floor. “Donghyuck,” he repeated, a little bit louder, the panic rising in his throat.

His breath hitched when he ran into another room and saw Donghyuck leaning over the box on the floor, completely enamored with its content. 

“Donghyuck,” Taeil said once again, falling on the ground and wincing when his knees came in contact with the cold floor. His eyes quickly scanned every revealed inch of Donghyuck’s body. Golden skin, short nails, bluish veins on his hands and the patch of skin on his neck. Everything seemed intact. Taeil let out the breath he was holding. 

Donghyuck hummed quietly, flipping through the books stored in the box. He looked heavenly unbothered. As if nothing happened.

_ “Over-protective…” _ Taeil chided himself, biting on his lower lip. Donghyuck pointed more than once that Taeil’s lips would remain cracked forever if he didn’t stop doing that. But the metallic tingling aftertaste of blood was sometimes somewhat grounding. 

“I found something for you, hyung,” declared Dounghyuck finally, looking at Taeil behind the curtain of his long brown locks. 

Keeping his movements slow and predictable, Donghyuck put something - a book - on the floor and pushed it towards Taeil. His hand moved away as soon as Taeil made a movement to grab the book. It happened smoothly, naturally. None of them was alright with excessive amounts of physical contact just yet. Taeil opened the book and let out a surprised hum.

“A notebook,” he voiced out gently, quickly checking if there were any clean pages left.

“Yeah, I kinda noticed that you write in your notebook quite regularly and the one you’re using right now seems to be  _ really _ worn out.” Donghyuck scratched his neck and dropped his gaze down, fixing it on his knees. “I found this bad boy here and it’s mostly clean so…” he laughed awkwardly and shifted on his spot, “I thought you may like that.”

Taeil blinked rapidly, feeling something warm in his chest. _ Hopefully not something infectious _ \- he thought before shifting his gaze at Donghyuck. Like that, slightly embarrassed and tired, he looked softer than usual and Taeil thought that Donghyuck would probably look that way all the time if it wasn’t for the world’s end. 

The blush on Taeil’s cheeks matched Donghyuck’s. The shyness mirroring in their eyes. 

“Thank you,” said Taeil finally, taking extra-care while putting the notebook on the top of his bag. It was a gift and gifts were meant to be cherished. “It means a lot,” he added, ravishing in the way his lips stretched in a wide, honest smile.

Perhaps a new notebook was what Taeil needed from the beginning.

* * *

The rainy days were the worst as they always required staying in one place longer than necessary. Staying in one place meant more time to relax and more time to relax meant more time to think. Taeil hated rainy days. 

Donghyuck stirred the ramen they found in one of the cabinets. It was almost not-expired. None of them minded, especially after Taeil found wild green onion growing in the field nearby. 

“I used to love the rain,” Donghyuck said suddenly, stirring the liquid in the pot. “I loved the smell and the way it made everything look nostalgic.”

Taeil hummed in response, letting him know that he was listening. They had been sticking around together for a couple of months but Taeil was still hesitant to use his voice. Donghyuck didn’t seem to mind that much. 

“Now I hate the melancholy hanging in the air.” Donghyuck hissed through his clenched teeth. “I hate it because it’s not a comfortable type of sadness anymore. It’s… painful. To breathe the air and not feel the freshness anymore. To look outside and instead of green sprouts, see the acidic splotches on the ground. To think of…” he stopped abruptly and loudly exhaled through his nose. “To think of things that I used to do on rainy days but would never do again.”

Taeil waited a moment, before hopping off the table and taking a hesitant step closer. He wasn't sure what called for him. Was it the bitter spark in Donghyuck’s voice? Or was it the way his shoulders jumped as he tried to stop himself from shivering? It didn’t matter. Taeil looked down at his hands. Short, broken nails and deep scar inside his palm. He doubted they would give Donghyuck the comfort he deserved but it was all Taeil had to offer.

One step, two steps, and his arms were tentatively wrapping around the waist, bringing the quivering person closer. As if Taeil tried to calm Donghyuck down with his own heartbeat. Steady and very much alive. 

Taeil wasn’t an idiot after all. 

Donghyuck shuddered at the surprising contact.

“Is that okay?” was the first thing he asked, turning his head to the side and looking for an answer in Taeil’s eyes. “You don’t have to do it, hyung” he said, despite the pleasant buzz in his veins. Taeil never initiated physical contact and Donghyuck never pushed. Everyone had their demons. He craved that, yes, but he didn’t need the hug if it was hurting Taeil.

“Just… keep talking…” Taeil murmured into the softness of Donghyuck’s hoodie and wrapped the arms around his waist tighter. He inhaled deeply, stuffing his lungs with the long-forgotten scent of another human standing so close to him. The air was warm.

“There’s not much to say…” Donghyuck started quietly after a couple of minutes of silence. Taeil flinched slightly and his arms tightened around Donghyuck’s waist. 

He wasn’t going anywhere. Not until Donghyuck stopped shaking. Taeil deemed that he owned him that much. Besides, it felt right to do that.

“There was a person in my life that I cared deeply about…His name...” Donghyuck braced his hands against the kitchen’s counter, after putting the ramen aside. “His name was Mark and he was one of the best people I’ve ever known.” something in his stomach clenched. “He was kind and good, so good. He had a golden heart, I’ve always told him that and he just laughed it off. Every single time. He was made out of brightness and yet he called me his full sun...”

Taeil hummed softly, drawing circles on Donghyuck’s stomach, feeling the muscles relax under the touch. 

“In the end, it wasn’t even his heart that was the problem…” Donghyuck continued slowly, drawing each word with difficulty. He quickly raised his hand to wipe the tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. “His lungs. That was the problem. He had asthma. And the government… Well, let’s just say that they didn’t put Mark Lee on their list of top priorities.” 

Taeil’s jaw clenched involuntarily. He heard of those lists. Lists of people who were entitled to get help from the government. To get medical help. It was rumored that it was a political selection. Taeil preferred calling it cruelty. 

“I’m so sorry…” he mumbled into the thickness of Donghyuck’s hoodie.

He pretended it didn’t make him feel dizzy when Donghyuck put his hand over Taeil’s. It felt like sunshine touched his skin. He could see why Mark used to call Donghyuck “full sun”. It had been a while since the last time Taeil felt sun rays on himself. 

“It’s not your fault,” Donghyuck squeezed his hand tentatively. “We’ve been making the best out of what we had until the very end. I started dying my hair as I always wanted. Mark learned how to drive a car, though he turned out to be a terrible driver. I don’t regret this time. Nor sticking till the end. I just…” Donghyuck choked on his tears, drawing in a wet inhale. “I just wish he was still here sometimes…”

Donghyuck cried a lot that evening after telling his story. In fact, he cried every time he felt upset, the primal embarrassment from crying replaced with trust and intimacy. 

* * *

They met Doyoung and Jaehyun by accident. The house seemed completely abandoned from the outside and Taeil deemed that it was a good place to stay the night. Donghyuck didn’t mind. He never questioned Taeil’s choices, claiming that the older was more experienced at this. What he didn’t share was that at this point he would follow him at the end of the world. 

Taeil opened the last door on the second floor and there they were. Doyoung and Jaehyun napping curled up together on an old couch and completely oblivious to the intruders penetrating their house. 

Taeil wished that he had that much of peace in himself to sleep so peacefully.

When Doyoung and Jaehyun finally woke up, Donghyuck offered them his stack of biscuits as if they had been friends for a very long time. Taeil didn’t mind.

He didn’t realize when he started getting used to being surrounded by people again. 

“So Donghyuck and you are friends then?” asked Jaehyun suddenly, rinsing his face with water.

_ Friends. _

Donghyuck cleared his throat awkwardly and pulled the bottle out of Jaehyun’s grip. “We’ve been wandering together for a while if that’s what you’re asking,” he replied softly, eyes stubbornly avoiding Taeil’s.

Doyoung scoffed quietly but before he had a chance to speak up, Taeil cut him off shortly:

“We’re friends, yes,” he said loudly, perhaps louder than ever. Maybe a little bit too loud as he was trying to be heard over the rattling sound of his heart beating rapidly in the chest. 

Instantly, Donghyuck’s brown eyes fixed at him. The number of emotions swimming on the bottom of the eyes made Taeil’s head spin, but he supposed that Donghyuck’s warm smile was worth it. 

Perhaps a friend was what Taeil needed from the beginning.

* * *

It wasn’t until a few weeks later when Taeil walked on Doyoung sucking Jaehyun off that Taeil realized that these two were a couple. The discovery was completely baffling to him.

“It was quite obvious, hyung” Donghyuck giggled after Taeil chaotically told him what had just happened to him on the floor above. (They didn’t ponder on the fact that Taeil was now fully capable of telling a whole story. Speaking about it out loud would make it seem like there was something wrong before. There wasn’t. The end of the world made people like that). 

“It wasn’t obvious to me,” Taeil squeaked defensively, as the blush rushed onto his cheeks. It felt silly that Donghyuck who was younger than him could sense stuff like that but Taeil couldn’t. 

Donghyuck suddenly dropped his gaze and started playing with the hem of his shirt. “You don’t mind it, do you?”

“Mind what?”

“Two men being in love…?” Donghyuck asked, a voice much smaller than before.

Taeil blinked heavily, trying to process the words. 

“No, not at all,” he said seconds later. “The world ended a few years ago. There are other problems.” he shrugged off, his brain still slowly wrapping around one term that Donghyuck used. 

_ Love. _

He heard Donghyuck exhale loudly and lean back on the sofa, choosing not to say anything else. He knew that, despite all the progress, Taeil still needed silence from time to time. Someone who lost so many words had to look for pictures and deeply buried emotions instead of sounds and shapes of words. 

Taeil tilted his head, watching Donghyuck snuggle to the hoodie he rolled under his head. He wondered when the younger had learned to step back, making more space for Taeil. When he learned how to fold his world to allow Taeil to get lost on his own.

_ Love. _

In Taeil’s head there was no picture for this, but - he decided carefully, remembering the scars love could leave on one’s heart - he was willing to attach new pictures to this word. 

* * *

There was something bizarre about the outskirts of the abandoned cities. The streets appeared more empty than the trails in the middle of the forest. The echo was louder than in the deep caves. The loneliness was more frightening than when Taeil looked at the ocean standing all alone long months ago. 

“Are you sure you remember our address, Jaehyun?” Doyoung asked for the third time, slightly shaking Jaehyun’s shoulders while Donghyuck stared at them with an expression Taeil was unable to read. 

Jaehyun told him once that Donghyuck was like an open book but in Taeil’s eyes, that book was written in a language Taeil wasn’t fluent in. 

“Yes, I’m sure. Hyuck and I will be back in a jiffy.” Jaehyun smiled widely and pulled Doyoung into a quick hug. 

Taeil’s eyes burned and he looked away, eyes resting at Donghyuck who was worrying his lower lip. Taeil felt his heart swell a little bit. There was a reason why he hadn’t come closer to the cities in the past. It was  _ dangerous _ . And now Donghyuck and Jaehyun were about to explore the outskirts a little while Taeil and Doyoung stayed in their base. It seemed… wrong. In so many ways. Taeil’s lips thinned. He took a step closer and delicately brushed Donghyuck’s sleeve.

“Be careful, you two…” he said deliberately. “If anything happens, don’t hesitate to run back here, okay?” 

Donghyuck’s eyes softened and he shifted his body weight to press his shoulder to Taeil’s hand. 

“Don’t worry about me, Taeil-hyung. You forget that I spent years trying to survive in the city. I’ll manage.” Donghyuck smiled shyly, his fingers twitching as if he wanted to reach out for something but didn’t have the courage to do so. “You and Doyoung behave and wait for us to come back, okay hyung?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Taeil agreed easily, eyes glancing at Donghyuck’s curled fingers. His hands were shaking and Taeil wondered if they would stop if he held them for a moment. 

He didn’t try.

* * *

The knife was rhythmically hitting the wooden cutting board as Doyoung chopped the carrots they carried from the countryside. Taeil liked cooking with Doyoung even if he rarely had the opportunity to actually  _ cook  _ something complicated. 

Nonetheless, the time spent together with Doyoung was really soothing to Taeil. It inspired him to do better. Because if Doyoung, blind with one eye Doyoung, could still  _ see _ joy and happiness in life then perhaps Taeil also had a chance. 

“Don’t worry about Hyuck. He’s a smart kid,” Doyoung said suddenly, putting the carrots into the jar. “He wouldn’t suggest going out if he didn’t know that he could deal with the risks.”

Taeil stopped rinsing the rice and raised his eyes to meet Doyoung’s warm smile. Until that moment Taeil didn’t even realize how anxious he was.

“He is a smart kid,” Taeil repeated, nodding his head slightly. 

“Exactly,” agreed Doyoung and leaned over to look through the window. The street was still quiet and empty.

“Jaehyun’s going to be fine too,” mumbled Taeil, casting his gaze away. His next words weighted heavily on his tongue. He was still so bad at talking about feelings. Even if, in that case, they weren’t his own ones. “He loves you so much that he’d come back no matter what,” he added after a moment.

Taeil heard Doyoung chuckle softly and he didn’t have to look up to see affection in his eyes. He could imagine books about this type of love. Caring, warm and loyal. Taeil envied that.

Doyoung gently poked his cheek.

“You say that as if Hyuck wouldn’t cross oceans for you.”

Taeil dropped the spoon. Doyoung leaned down to pick it up and put it back into Taeil’s shaking hand. Taeil flinched and rested his hipbone against the counter for the balance.

“Donghyuck and I…” he started slowly, “We aren’t like Jaehyun and you.”

“Maybe, but this is how you feel, right? The way you feel about Donghyuck… You know it’s similar to what I feel for Jaehyun.” Doyoung nudged Taeil’s shoulder. “Because I know the look in your eyes every time you see Hyuck. I know it because I see it in Jaehyun’s when he looks at me.” 

Taeil shook his head. It felt as if the blood in his veins was boiling. The heat was immersing, annoyingly similar to the touch of flames on his torso years ago. The fear was different though. It was overlapping with something else. Something Taeil struggled with.

_ Love. _

“I’m not right for him.” Taeil breathed out heavily, clenching his hand on the spoon. “I’m older-”

“The world came to an end. No one gives a shit about that, Taeil.”

“He loves someone who’s not on this world anymore-”

“And he always will but he can also love more than one person.”

A beat of silence. Taeil’s eyes flew open. Tears dripped on the counter.

“And I’m damaged. He deserves better,” Taeil finished so quietly that for a moment he thought that Doyoung didn’t hear him. That was until a warm hand rested on his nape and pulled Taeil closer. 

Hugging Doyoung felt nothing like hugging Donghyuck. It was still good but not as natural. Not as domestic. Not as much as home. 

“We’re all damaged, Taeil.” Doyoung rubbed the back of his neck. “And Hyuck’s the only person to decide what he wants. You shouldn’t make that decision for both of you. I know that you’re anxious. But this boy literally holds his bleeding heart in his hands for you to take it. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not obvious for everyone else.” Doyoung patted Taeil’s back and slowly pulled away. “The only thing he’s waiting for is you. And he’s been patient for so long that it hurts to look at him.”

* * *

Out of all weather conditions, the heavy wind was what Taeil struggled with the most. Every howl of it made goosebumps break on his skin and his shoulder hitch up, making him look more like a scary cat than someone who experienced the end of the world.

“Do you want me to close that window, hyung?” Donghyuck tilted his head, wrapping the blanket around himself tighter. “I will close the window.” He replied by himself, looking at Taeil from the other end of the couch. 

By now he picked up the change of Taeil’s behavior when the wind blew stronger. He never asked why but he could think of the answer without it. 

“Thanks…” mumbled Taeil, watching Donghyuck get up and close the window. It was easier to stop drowning in memories when he couldn’t hear the constant howling. 

Something thudded loudly upstairs, making Taeil involuntary clench his fists out of nerves. 

“Is that-”

“Jaehyun and Doyoung?” Donghyuck sighed, throwing his body back on the couch. “Yeah.”

“Should we-”

“Check if they’re alright?” the corners of Donghyuck’s lips quirked up, “I’d rather not and I think you wouldn’t like that either.”

The blood rushed to Taeil’s cheeks, “Oh.”

“Mhm, exactly.” hummed Donghyuck and kicked off his shoes. He hesitantly glanced at Taeil before shaking his head and looking down deflected. 

Taeil unclenched his fists. The space between his end of the couch and Donghyuck wasn’t big but somehow it seemed as wide as the ocean. 

“ _ You say that as if Hyuck wouldn’t cross oceans for you _ ,” echoed in Taeil’s head. 

The question was whether Taeil was ready for such a sacrifice made for him. He slightly parted his lips and looked at the window that Donghyuck closed. Even the curtains were drawn. 

“Do you want to come closer?” the question left his mouth before he realized. 

If Taeil expected Donghyuck to question his question, to ask if it was alright and to make sure there was no harm in it, he would get none of these. In a span of moment shorter than one shaky breath-in, Donghyuck was curling next to him. Not close enough to touch but just enough to feel the warmth coming from each others’ body. He didn’t dare to cross the line. Taeil’s heart skipped the beat.

If Donghyuck could cross oceans then so could Taeil.

His mind was racing but his blood went cold when he gently nudged Donghyuck to his side until he was leaning against Taeil’s shoulder. 

“Let’s stay like that for a moment,” uttered Taeil. His voice was smaller than ever, almost as broken and shattered as at the time he approached Donghyuck for the first time. It seemed to happen eons ago.

Instead of responding, or as Taeil feared - pushing away, Donghyuck pressed himself closer. His hand securely wrapped around Taeil’s arm. As if he wanted to make sure that the other wouldn’t escape now. As if he wanted to do it for a very long time. In return, Taeil touched Donghyuck’s thigh with his little finger.

It was the most intimate Taeil had physically been with another person for years. And even back in the days, even before the world exploded with grey ash and red flames, even before that the intimacy was something different. Back then it was naked, now it was dressed with the thinnest of clothes that could barely hide anything but ensured the performer an illusion of privacy. Taeil wanted nothing more than to hide behind something. But there was no cloth that couldn’t possibly hide all of his secrets. 

He gulped and looked down at Donghyuck snuggling to his arm. 

_ Love. _ It always seemed scary until it didn’t. 

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Taeil asked breathily. 

“You’ve just asked,” Donghyuck mumbled, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Taeil pushed him slightly, hoping that the movement wouldn’t ultimately make Donghyuck move away. It didn’t. 

“Oh, come on, hyung. Of course, you can ask me anything. You know you can.” Donghyuck said, glancing at Taeil behind the fan of thick eyelashes. 

It lasted only for a second, but at that moment Taeil finally saw what Doyoung had been referring to. The admiration, the warmth, the affection in Donghyuck’s eyes when he was looking at him. The sight of it made Taeil’s heart do a flip. He put a hand on the top of Donghyuck’s head and turned away.

If Taeil was to put his feelings into words, he didn’t need a distraction. The sound of his blood roaring in his head was enough of a disturbance.

“Donghyuck, do you trust me?” Taeil bit his lips.

Donghyuck shifted on his spot but remained pressed against the other’s arm. 

“Of course, I do. I have no reason  _ not _ to trust you.”

_ That was good, that was reassuring, that was something Taeil could work with.  _

“How about Jaehyun and Doyoung then? Do you trust them too?” 

Donghyuck hummed, clearly pondering on the answer. “I do,” he said after a minute of silence. “But I trust them in a different way than I trust you, hyung.”

“Different how?” Taeil’s tongue was slowly starting to burn with the questions he asked. 

He felt more than saw Donghyuck’s shrug.

“Just different, hyung. I feel different about you so…” Donghyuck trailed off, leaving Taeil hanging. 

He made it sound so easy. So simple. 

Taeil’s fingers curled up around the sleeves of his shirt. Bitter envy tackled the bottom of his stomach. He wished it was as easy for him as it was for Donghyuck. For Taeil expressing feelings tasted like acid.

“I feel different about you too…”

The line of Donghyuck’s body tensed and the hand he had wrapped around Taeil’s arm dropped lower. It slid down his shirt until it finally rested above the wrist. Taeil took a deep breath in. Cold sweat was dripping down his spine and he was pretty sure he was on the edge of passing out. But he’d rather jump into Pacific Ocean of Garbage, instead of giving up now. Not now. 

“I think… The difference…” Taeil started hesitantly, picking up words and trying to put them together. Donghyuck’s finger started rubbing circles inside Taeil’s wrist. Taeil shook his head. “I like you. I like you a lot. I might even...”

The rubbing intensified but aside from that Donghyuck didn’t even flinch. He waited. Taeil closed his eyes and pressed his cheek to the crown of Donghyuck’s head. His heart was squeaking inside his chest as if it was impatient to tell what kept Taeil’s lips sealed. 

“My name’s Taeil.” Taeil breathed out heavily. Nothing could possibly sound weirder than his name. “And your name is Donghyuck.” he continued shakily, letting the words fall out of his mouth. “We’ve met over a year ago and have been inseparable ever since. I like to write down the date every morning and you like to dye your hair. We are trying to keep it normal. I’m not too good at talking but you can talk a lot. I like that. There are boundaries that are hard for me to cross but you help me cross them.”

Taeil took in a sharp inhale. His next words already tingling his lips.

“Because of that and many other reasons, I might even love you, Donghyuck.”

The wind rattled the window frame.

“I’m pretty certain that I love you too, hyung.” replied Donghyuck, and only the slightest strange of his voice was telling Taeil how nervous he was. “And I don’t think it’s going to change. So we can take it slow. We don’t have to rush anything.”

Taeil tilted his head and placed a kiss on the top of Donghyuck’s head. He smelt like wind, ash, and iron. It shouldn’t be comforting but it was. Taeil pressed his lips a little harder to make sure that Donghyuck felt that. The touch, the intimacy, the agreement and the silent ‘thank you’.

Because Taeil still needed time. To come to terms with his feelings, with the fact that they were reciprocated. That Donghyuck didn’t mind loving his broken pieces. 

Taeil still needed time but, he supposed, since the world had already ended, he had all the time in the world if Donghyuck was kind enough to wait for him.

* * *

For once, not even one wave could be seen on the navy surface of the ocean. Nothing but open horizon and the hint of sunshine behind thick grey clouds. 

“I’ve never seen the sea…” Jaehyun whispered in marvel, his eyes never leaving the water. “It’s so beautiful…” 

“When I was a kid, someone once told me that the sand on the beach used to be white.” Taeil hummed quietly. 

“I’m glad that it isn’t white anymore,” Donghyuck exhaled, sitting heavily on the trunk next to Taeil. “I would surely  _ die _ if I saw something so beautiful.” 

Taeil laughed upon hearing that. “I’m pretty sure you would somehow survive.”

Donghyuck pouted cutely before, in a split of a second, the corners of his lips curved upwards. Mentally, Taeil embraced himself for a blow.

“Perhaps, you’re right, hyung. I mean, I see you every day and yet I’m still alive.” Donghyuck purred with satisfaction, watching Taeil’s face heat up. 

Jaehyun choked on his water.

“You’re the youngest Hyuck but that sounds just… so vintage.” Doyoung snorted and grinned.

“You using the word ‘vintage’ is much more cringy,” Donghyuck stuck out his tongue at Doyoung before turning back to Taeil. “You don’t mind me saying stuff like that, do you hyung?” 

Taeil’s ears were burning at this point. Unable to keep his gaze at Donghyuck, he watched Jaehyun discreetly drag Doyoung away. Finally, Taeil shook his head.

“I don’t mind,” he gulped, “If that’s what you mean then you should express it.” 

Donghyuck grinned happily at him. “That's true!” 

It seemed like a fever dream that Donghyuck had a possibility of complimenting Taeil now. And he did that more often than he didn’t. It’s been months since their imperfect confessions and every day Donghyuck was growing bolder and more flirty. Taeil wondered how the hell did he manage to keep that energy inside. 

The thing was… that was it. Nothing but intensified verbal affection. And Taeil loved that, he really did. But he also found himself longing for more. 

Donghyuck rambled happily by his side, excitedly pointing at the horizon. It had been almost two years since Taeil saw his navy jacket and caramel hair in the middle of nowhere. Over these two years so much had changed in their life. Taeil was on speaking terms with the world again, he laughed, he talked, he wheezed. People knew his name. One of these people told him that they loved him. It was… overwhelming in the best way possible. 

Taeil gently put his hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder, while the other rested on his cheek. The skin was warm under his fingertips. The gesture itself made Donghyuck choke on the air and shut down instantly. 

“I want to try something,” said Taeil meekly, his eyes involuntary fixing at Donghyuck’s lips. There was no way it went unnoticed.

“You call the shots.” mouthed Donghyuck. 

His face was close enough for Taeil to feel the hot air on his lips. It was drawing him closer, like a magical lullaby. He couldn’t resist.

Pressing his lips against Donghyuck’s was natural. Taeil expected himself to be hesitant and anxious but he felt nothing of this sort. He couldn’t think of anything more instinctive and normal. 

The kiss was soft and sweet, much sweeter than anything Taeil tasted. Donghyuck could probably turn every flavour into a candy. Taeil’s hand slipped off his cheek and rested on the crook of his neck where he slightly pressed his thumb against the warm skin. Donghyuck gasped quietly into the kiss, parting his lips a little bit. His arm slowly sneaked under the expanse of Taeil’s shirt and rested above his hip. He tilted his head to the side, granting Taeil better access to his mouth. Taeil’s teeth briefly grazed over Donghyuck’s lower lip, pulling a tiny whine out of his throat.

Blood roared in Taeil’s ears and he quickly pulled away.

“Slowly,” he breathed out anxiously, looking everywhere but Donghyuck. “We’re taking it slow.” He wasn’t sure if it was a reminder for himself or the other.

He was partially considering hiding in the dirt when, suddenly, two fingers pulled his chin up, forcing Taeil to look back at Donghyuck. And what a sight that was. His cheeks were flushed pink, bringing up the natural tan of his skin. His eyes were sparkling brighter than polished gold, looking more bright than they ever did. However, what Taeil found most beautiful however was the smile - wide and unabashed, making Donghyuck shine as bright as the sun hidden behind the ever-present cloud. 

“We’re doing it however you want, Taeil-hyung.” said Donghyuck before placing a quick peck on Taeil’s forehead. “I’m just very happy that we’re getting there,” he added and got up off the trunk. 

And there he was - thought Taeil - the brightest sun, the most patient flower and the happiest explosion of colors. And he was there - just one step ahead from Taeil and he was waiting for him. He didn’t mind waiting at all. 

Perhaps from the beginning, Taeil needed someone to wait for him.

Or perhaps he just needed Donghyuck. 

  
  
_The end._

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday, Emmi!  
> This story wouldn't be created if it wasn't for Emmi, my lovely birthday girl! Everyone say 'thank you to Emmi, the best girl'! Thank you so much for being my inspiration for this fic (in a good way). I'm sure it has many imperfections (who the hell writes angst as a gift for someone's birthday?) but I hope that you'll like it enough <3 Once again, happy birthday
> 
> talk to me about hyuckil world domination on my [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/sunbathed_)


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